Sunday, April 20, 2014

Healing grief? Good Friday experience 2014

Healing grief? Good Friday experience 2014
last time I saw my grandpa he's holding Bella shes a few days old here
  My grandpa was the only man who has always been there to support and encourage me growing up.  Grandpa died just after my daughter was born, he made it a point to come from Toronto to Michigan to visit us after the birth of Isabella.  My grandpa was a sick guy and weighed over 350 pounds but was determining to be there to support my new family, grandpa was so proud. I remember him and grandma in secret making plans to surprise me, as they know I don’t deal well with surprises. The two of them had my husband in on it. Grandma booked a hotel room and suggested we go meet her when she got to the hotel room I never thought my grandpa would be able to make it. I feel it’s important I blog about this memory to honor the only man who growing up deserved my honor.  He struggled to walk do to his health and knees and decided to go into a large wheel chair he stumbled and fell out of the car trying to squeeze into the caviler we had at the time. My husband helped him up and grandpas brushed himself off not caring what other people staring thought that’s just how he was.  We had a great visit he went back and a few months later I got a call from my grandma that grandpa died. I was in shock and didn’t feel I had understood what she said and I asked her to make sure I heard right. My heart sank and so did my depression. I only had one though on my mind making it to the funeral to visit my grandpa one last time like he had done for me.  I went spent time with my family introduced my husband and daughter to my aunts ucles and cousins then went to return home only to meet a nasty border patrol guard who couldn’t tell what he was doing or how to deal with a Canadian immigrant  status that I had which was  marriage visa. He told me I was to have to wait three months before I could go back to Michigan and wait for paper work and that’s what I had to do. Wait three painful months without my less then one year old special needs child and my husband and step kids in Canada I had to stay in Sarnia so I could be as close to them as possible with the help of my church family I was able to find a place to stay other then the streets and found support to build myself back up again after I just finished enduring the hard 9 month of my high risk pregnancy which the dr told me not to travel and put me on bed rest.  I suffered hemmerage and almost didn’t make it giving birth to my beautiful daughter which is a story I don’t talk much about. Then to have immigration issues to deal with it’s not like I’m from overseas I’m from Canada our army fights along side with the Americans we do trades back n forth. My grandfather is native Canadian you would think it would be easier for me but no the government wanted their 2500 for my paper work any way for the government to rip a dollar off its people either the Canadian government or American government both are crooks who are heartless and all we are to them are numbers I’m two numbers my immigration case number and my ssi number. They don’t care one bit about this blog our story.
Now that you have a bit of a background I will tell you about how painful it’s been to live without the man in our life. I was working on immigration paper work and the funeral was in Toronto and I was told I couldn’t go back to Michigan with my husband and child until I had my green card. I finally was able to get paroled back into the country and had a immigration number I was an official immigrant or alien lol yep make your jokes lol go ahead my step kids do lol ever seen my step mom a alien ??? lol
I been here a while now attending a Christian church and we moved to a place on our own after hubs found work and my daughter has ssi. We lived with friends for most of our marriage I am unable to work so I am a full time stay at home mom, the past year we been making it in our two bedroom apartment. You do what you have to and do what you can. I attend a Christian church one my hubby grew up in and that’s a huge source of where I get my strength from but Friday Bella and I went to Good Friday mass at a Catholic church near buy. I think my daughter was scared she said the cross of Jesus nailed to it was scary and she didn’t want to go near it. She was a trooper anyhow and made it through. I was able to explain to her what the true meaning of Easter was all about. After we lighted a candle for my grandpa we also lit a candle for my baby brother Mitchell and my cousins who have passed away. My baby brother died and I could not go to the funeral without having to restart the green card process again. My brother died at age 6 and he also had the same rare genetic disorder Bella and I have. I have two other siblings a brother and a sister who also have the disorder and my father who isn’t in my life but is still alive has it as well.  I just recently started to talk with my step mom. My mom is alive but the abuse she endured living with a boyfriend of hers while growing up is the reason I was living with my grandparents. The abuse she endured also led to me being abused. That’s a blog post for another time but y mother has her issues she’s dealing with and is in my life on a flaky basis and having Bella has made people in my life realize the mistakes they’re made and being everything my parents were not to me and making sure I am nothing like my parents but like my grandparents is why I am the person I am today I’m a strong tough redhead ok from time to time blood or any other colors of the rainbow but I’m a redhead naturally and my personality no matter what color is the type that don’t take crap or gruff form anyone. Lighting those candles was a weight off my shoulders a way of honoring my loved ones in their memory a way to help me get a sliver of grief lifted and to share that bonding love with my daughter is priceless.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

update on My Health

Yesterday I had an Doctor appointment for my self with the surgeon to find out about the next steps towards surgery and how the gastric empty study went.

As you may remember I started this blog do to my health issues. I couldn't just sit around and do nothing but sleep and rest to recover. I have had test after test each test with a really long complicated to spell out name so let's just say I was poked and check in all areas involving my stomach issues. I have multiple gallstones, a massive hitial hernia, GERD, a space below my diaphragm and I had to wait for a mallory wiess tear to heal above all else. I also had a polyp removed when I had a colonlopsy done. I had a endoscope done I also had a bravo capsule done and a empty gastric study done. I say I'm a frequent flyer at the hospital by now I should have my own room with my name on a gold plaque. Did I mention I only have emergency medicaid as I'm Canadian who's in the process of having her green card while I live in Michigan with my family. This was done here in Michigan. I had to have these test done after a bout of pain I endured that sent me to the emergency room the emergency room did a Cat scan and found multiple gallstones. Told me to see my dr and my dr refereed me to a surgeon. After all these test were done the last was a gastric empty study to see if I was a candidate for the mesh hitial herina repair operation which I really wanted but can't have. Here's why... I don't empty my gastric juices or gastric bowels enough. I have to have medication to start today that will cause me to build my new home in the bathroom so I can relieve some of the gastric pains I been having along with other gastric stuff. Which is the nicest cleanest way I can describe it with how I feel about it.

Hopefully once I get this under control I will then be able to get on with my life and learn to live with the pain of the hitial hernia and multiple gallstones. Which is been painful and I have to eliminate lot's of foods like chocolate coffee I will slip every now and then and boy do I pay for it with heartburn and belching and throwing up. You would think with all of this I would have loss weight but no I'm still at 169.  I'm going to also start a weight loss journey in this blog. I will take a before and after photo every few weeks to help keep myself accountable.

How do I learn to live it the type of pain? 

To start out were going with pain management,
pain management, diet changes, dr prescribed a med for me to take to help me, I am only aloud celeabrex for pain. lifestyle change. being patient with myself.

Any other questions or thoughts? feel free to leave comments.