I am honored to serve on Kelly Balarie's fear fighting book launch team. This blog post is for a contest where I can meet with a publisher. Please vote if after reading this post you liked it. I am writing my post off the chapter waiting while trembling. The chapter waiting while trembling really got at my heart strings as I was waiting for my daughter to get out of her dental surgery last week I was reminded of all the times I have had to wait while trembling. Trembling and waiting for gods answers is not easy but it was the challenge our family faced five years ago. My family waited while fighting our fear. This is our story...
How do we fight fear? In order to fight fear we first must know what fear is to us. What is your greatest fear? Once you know your greatest fear then you can start taking steps towards fighting that fear.
My fear looks like the time…
Our family became homeless and had to live with a pastor from our church. That day we arrived at our pastor’s home haunts me in my dreams even to this day. I know fear. Imagine having to rely on others for help to get the next meal for your family, help for a place to sleep. We were blessed to live in a camper for a year in the pastor’s back yard. We had just 500 a month in our pocket to live off of with a family of 4 to care for. Our family has Bella and I who have health related expenses which Medicaid covers for most of it when it comes to Bella not for myself.
I know the power fear can take over the mind and soul it can cause the body to internalize and acidify and makes your body toxic. When facing fear people react in ways in order to preserve and people like me when faced with that kind of heart breaking fear of being unable to control anything in the environment of what going on it put me into fight or flight mode. I was so scared but mostly ashamed and felt like a burden.
I am someone with PTSD called post-traumatic stress disorder and Anxiety disorder from having one traumatic experience after the next. The abuse I endured growing up, the medical diagnoses of my siblings having a rare genetic disorder one of my siblings passing away at just 6 years old and me outliving him. Having my own diagnoses and my daughter’s diagnoses of the same genetic disorder of my father and siblings. Fear has latched on and became my stronghold on my soul. I was hospitalized a few times do to panic attacks that would not leave me alone and night mares that would haunt me I was still on my road to recovery when this happen. I had to do everything to keep myself pulled together to make sure I didn’t slide back into that pit of depression.
As our family kept making steps forward something would happen and our family would end up taking 5 steps back for each step forward. SSI application was messed up instead of maxing out we ended up with 500 to live off of. My husband couldn’t find work at the time it took a year before he started working as an area sales rep. We finally got on our own feet and moved into a beautiful apartment in a wooded setting in a small town here in Michigan called Otsego. We live in a great school district and there is convinces like a party store, library walking distance both ways to the kids schools. A few years goes by and we are on our own making the bills and then my husband loses his job again and I fear that pit in my stomach fear that we won’t make it. Luckily my husband landed a job at a company where he now make triple what we started out living on our bills are paid on time and we have a bit left over. Sometimes there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I can’t tell you how hard this post is to write because back then I was stressed and I was frustrated and I was embarrassed. I had those tears of pain and snot running down my face as I didn’t know what our family was going to do to get out of the mess we got in.
I often am asked how we did it. What made us make it? While we almost didn’t? We just kept pressing forward and leaning on friends as family couldn’t help out.
Even when at times I didn’t realize what it was that made us make it I can say there is that eternal energy that is undeniable because of that the still small voice that GPS within myself that made have a spark to fill out apartment applications. The challenges our family faced during those years without the energy of spirit connecting us to our pastor we would not be as far along as we are today if it wasn’t for that energy of spirit that connected us to one another.
Before we met the pastor and her family,
I had to go by blind faith. Being a family who was homeless living in a camper in a stranger’s back yard to having our own two bedroom apartment was a journey I didn't think we would ever face and overcome.
It don’t matter how far you might rise at some point your bound to fall and when I did I prayed, yelled , I often was found with the mercy cry the pain in your stomach and head sniffling snot cry’s to God. At one point I didn’t see any hope, I had no self-compassion and my faith kept sliding back and forth. I kept pressing on and leaned on my faith even though it was small as a mustard seed.
I had fallen and failed more times than I can count and I was turning 30. I am 33 now with a different perspective. I have a driven obsessive personality but that was the year I was driven into deep depression. Obsessively I couldn’t get out of my rut. I would talk my own way out of things and try to hide. I stopped calling my friends I simply stopped and focused on healing my mind and body. I was having stomach pains that later got diagnosed a gasteroparises beginning to discover multiple health issues of my own on top of the rare genetic disorder I have. I started to blog to work on my own inner healing as I have healed I have made connections with some others who were in similar places our family was in looking for advice and a guiding light to show them the way. Now I help others find hope where I was hopeless. Fighting fear head on with others is now something that my husband and I find ourselfs pulled to and we do so with pride because who we were and where we were then is so far along from where we had been. Both my husband and I have grown as people and as a couple and I need these reflections sometimes more then I like to admit because I still face anxiety issues.
Our income went from 500 a month after three months of fighting with SSI our income went up.
The shame and guilt that ate at my soul are now gone, we are even bought a new to us car. We have a small two bedroom apartment we have maintain for 5 years we just renewed our least for another year this last week. Our rent is always paid on time and we always have food in our cupboards. Now we just manage and stay afloat until I can start working too.
My husband and I found a passion and ministry helping other parents and people who have been where we were. 5 years ago I wouldn’t think I would be able to say we have our own place we got rejected from the projects and our rental applications were denied but when we went to Christian neighbors we found a lady who helped us fill out forms and pointed us in the right direction when she helped us get appointment to meet with the rental manager.
Spirit lead God connections helped get us out of the poverty we were facing. We are no longer on food stamps we don't qualify based off our income and SSI is always jumping down randomly as my husband makes more money. I guess you know you made it when you don't qualify for food stamps.
I hope this will allow you to find comfort, hope and compassion towards anyone who has faced fear or facing poverty not everyone wants to be put there and it’s time to stand up and step out in faith to help one another however we can even if we don’t have anything to give sometimes a little time and faith of a muster seed is all that is needed.
What am I doing to help in order to make sure we don’t get to that spot of poverty again? I am taking small steps of self-care, writing, and simply trying to enjoy the smaller moments in life so that I can be ready for when the larger scary moments show up. When we have coping skills we can face anything and having lived this experience